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Thread: Communist Humor Thread

  1. #61
    How many Trots does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    -You can read all about our critical support for lightbulb changing in our paper.

    Worker's Spatula
    "We say to the workers: 'You will have to go through fifteen, twenty, fifty years of civil wars and international wars, not only in order to change existing conditions, but also in order to change yourselves and fit yourselves for the exercise of political power."'

    MARX (On the Communist Trial at Cologne, 1851).

  2. #62
    You've probably seen this...



    improved version:

    "We say to the workers: 'You will have to go through fifteen, twenty, fifty years of civil wars and international wars, not only in order to change existing conditions, but also in order to change yourselves and fit yourselves for the exercise of political power."'

    MARX (On the Communist Trial at Cologne, 1851).

  3. #63


    It really is astonishing how many terrorist carry their passports to their 'final engagement'. What a massive coincidence.
    "We say to the workers: 'You will have to go through fifteen, twenty, fifty years of civil wars and international wars, not only in order to change existing conditions, but also in order to change yourselves and fit yourselves for the exercise of political power."'

    MARX (On the Communist Trial at Cologne, 1851).

  4. #64
    And they can't even see it...

    "We say to the workers: 'You will have to go through fifteen, twenty, fifty years of civil wars and international wars, not only in order to change existing conditions, but also in order to change yourselves and fit yourselves for the exercise of political power."'

    MARX (On the Communist Trial at Cologne, 1851).

  5. #65
    “The USSR Never Fell”, say CIA-backed Leftists
    ON JANUARY 19, 2017 BY WORKER'S SPATULAIN CPA(ML), RCPUSA, RIM, RUSSIA, SWP (US), US



    CHICAGO – It has been nearly 50 years since all of these U.S. left-wing organisations have been able to sit together in the same room, and the tension is palpable. But no one present is here to revive old arguments about Trotsky, Mao, and Stalin, or whether it is better to organise on a trans-national class basis or on the basis of oppressed nations.

    “We have to refute these bourgeois lies,” Carrie Szymanski, founder of the Three Worlds Society began, to rapturous applause: “The USSR never fell, and those who claim that Kazakhstan or Estonia are sovereign states are victims of the most base FBI psy-ops.”

    The conference—”Towards A Worker’s Struggle Against Revisionism: New Perspectives”—was called on short notice to coincide with the inauguration of president-elect Donald Trump, and brought together various far-left CIA front groups—no matter whether M, ML, MLM, MLT, or MLTP in ideology—for the first time since a series of acrimonious splits in the mid-20th century.

    “Anyone who claims that the country Sarah Palin could see from her house is the so-called ‘Russian Federation’ has objectively fallen into dogmato-revisionist Brezhnevo-Bordigaism, and is standing in the way of the inevitable victory of Communism,” Szymanski continued, sending the crowd to fever pitch of shouting.

    Bob Avakian, who has taken a break from his busy schedule as the Karl Marx of our time to attend the conference was next up at the podium. Upon seizing the microphone, he began: “Yes, y’all. Is this thing on? The Soviet imperialists are indeed still a threat. Together with the forces of the FBI, the Soviet Imperialists conspired to defeat our popular front efforts with Ted Cruz during the Republican primaries.

    “If we stop the FBI, we stop Russia: This dangerous internal arm of US imperialism has time and again thwarted our efforts to educate the Afro-American masses about their national leader, Bob Avakian. Anyone who does not now unite with the CIA in struggle against the FBI is objectively Phünwangist.”

    The US SWP sent up their spokesperson next: “Isn’t the real problem Hamas? I mean, just think about it. Really think about it,” they said, to approving nods from the assembled.

    So what has led all of these diverse CIA front groups to temporarily bury the hatchet after so many years of semi-libellous journal articles, exchanges of cursing on obscure Yahoo Newsgroups and occasional spite-fucking?

    “Normally, we wouldn’t be able to convince Trotskyist CIA members to endorse a call that doesn’t include a reference to the Soviet Union as ‘Stalinist’,” one participant told us. “However, the election of Donald Trump is a move that threatens all CIA-backed left groups, and so for once they had to show some fucking solidarity.”

    Should the USSR remain an extant and sovereign state, a position which every single one of the conference’s speakers vigorously defended, Donald Trump’s perceived closeness with Moscow would radically decrease his popularity among the Republican base, hampering his attempts to control Congress and likely bringing forward the date of his assassination by 5-8 weeks.

    Nonetheless, an enormous amount of diplomatic effort went into getting the disparate groups into the same room: “They asked us at basic training who wanted to be a part of a white nationalist group, and every hand went up,” one long-standing activist recalled. “I drew the short straw, and ended up in a New Communist Movement-influenced commune in Philadelphia,” explained Szymanski to us on the floor of the conference hall.

    “But in 1977, we had a huge fight over ‘Socialism with Chinese Characteristics’, and we split. I mean, fuck Deng Xiaoping, man, fuck him.”

    “Fuck you, you fucking crypto-Hoxhaite left deviationist!” shouted Tim (you all know which one), who had found his way to the conference somehow.

    The veteran Maoist burst into tears. “It’s just so hurtful. If it weren’t for my CIA paycheque, I’d move to Australia and join the CPA(ML).”

    A counter-protest organised by FBI front groups in front of the venue attracted over ten thousand promises of attendance on Facebook, but WS investigation revealed only seven people, three placards and one dog had turned up.

    Worker’s Spatula did meet one actually class conscious individual who didn’t support either the FBI or the CIA against one another. She appeared to have been invited by mistake, and agreed to talk to us on grounds of anonymity: “At first I thought this whole thing was some kind of communist joke,” the young woman wearing an Engels t-shirt. “But then I found out that lunch was catered.”

    “Only the state has the kind of resources to provide that much bream.”

    At time of press, someone who had put up their hand to ask a question was on their ninth minute of explaining their micro-sect’s definition of the true nature of the Soviet Union.

    https://workersspatula.wordpress.com...cked-leftists/

    I suppose this is self criticism of a sort and with Bob Avakian as a punchline how can ya go wrong?
    "We say to the workers: 'You will have to go through fifteen, twenty, fifty years of civil wars and international wars, not only in order to change existing conditions, but also in order to change yourselves and fit yourselves for the exercise of political power."'

    MARX (On the Communist Trial at Cologne, 1851).

  6. #66
    Worker’s Spatula Central Committee on Trump Inauguration
    ON JANUARY 21, 2017 BY WORKER'S SPATULA



    KO SAMUI, THAILAND – The Worker’s Spatula (WS) Central Committee made a rare public appearance today in a luxury resort on the beautiful island of Ko Samui on the occasion of the inauguration of Donald Trump as a President of the United States of Freedom But Not Necessity.

    A brief statement was read by a US comrade, wearing – like all the other Central Committee members – an Islamic bathing suit, sunglasses and a keffiyeh wrapped round his face to hide his identity:

    As is well known, Worker’s Spatula was the single most powerful force behind Donald Trump’s victory over not only the RCPUSA-backed Ted Cruz, but the Trotskyite Hillary Clinton. We relentlessly supported him at a time where all the typical left-liberal comedians were still laughing at him.

    WELL WHO’S LAUGHING NOW, MOTHERFUCKERS? THE SPATULA!

    This comedy, however, was just a red herring. Did anyone see that movie? No?

    So, we would like to announce, as you have all doubtless figured out by now, that the US presidential election was a charade. Donald Trump is in fact an impostor pretending to be president. The real president, as everyone predicted all along, will be labour aristocracy-coddler and soup addict Bernie Sanders.

    Congratulations to Bernie Sanders on your well-deserved win! You did it, buddy!

    Victory to the masses rising up against the farcical and clearly satirical “presidency” of Donald Trump, focal point of the ever-accelerating dialectic!

    LAND AND FREEDOM TO ALL OPPRESSED PEOPLES IN THE IMPERIALIST UNITED STATES!

    DEATH TO HILLARY CLINTON AND BARACK OBAMA!

    WORKER’S SPATULA: WE OUT!
    Fireworks lit up the night sky over the beach across which the WS Central Committee was walking, slurping on their delicious alcohol-free cocktails served in sliced-up coconuts.

    A German comrade was heard mumbling „Wer nicht mal so viel von Dialektik versteht, der kann mich im Arsch lecken…“ as he disappeared under a palm tree.

    https://workersspatula.wordpress.com...-inauguration/
    "We say to the workers: 'You will have to go through fifteen, twenty, fifty years of civil wars and international wars, not only in order to change existing conditions, but also in order to change yourselves and fit yourselves for the exercise of political power."'

    MARX (On the Communist Trial at Cologne, 1851).

  7. #67
    flow chart

    "We say to the workers: 'You will have to go through fifteen, twenty, fifty years of civil wars and international wars, not only in order to change existing conditions, but also in order to change yourselves and fit yourselves for the exercise of political power."'

    MARX (On the Communist Trial at Cologne, 1851).

  8. #68
    A message from North Korea



    ya gotta laugh at somethin'...
    "We say to the workers: 'You will have to go through fifteen, twenty, fifty years of civil wars and international wars, not only in order to change existing conditions, but also in order to change yourselves and fit yourselves for the exercise of political power."'

    MARX (On the Communist Trial at Cologne, 1851).

  9. #69
    ya gotta laugh at somethin'...
    Yeah, but a lot of this shit is getting pretty un-funny, pretty fast. On the twit this morning, people are losing their minds over Trump's filing for candidacy in the 2020 pres. election. Evidently his being a "candidate" makes it illegal for nonprofit orgs to launch any kind of campaign against him, personally - they can only deal with "issues". This makes it much more difficult for liberal orgs to attack him. The tweeters were asking "How can Trump do this?" "It can't be legal!" and other such shit. But no one asked why anyone hasn't done it before. This move may hobble criticism of Trump, and if so, it is a very astute move on his part. What these liberal tweeters are actually bitching about is how stupid they and their party is and have always been. Now THAT is funny!
    "America was never great"

    "Anyone who analyzes the state of affairs in the world will find that it is the imperialists and capitalists, who subject the world to the worst poverty, the worst backwardness, and they are simply the scourge of mankind." - Fidel

    "Privilege begets psychopathy" - blindpig

  10. #70
    Quote Originally Posted by Dhalgren View Post
    Yeah, but a lot of this shit is getting pretty un-funny, pretty fast. On the twit this morning, people are losing their minds over Trump's filing for candidacy in the 2020 pres. election. Evidently his being a "candidate" makes it illegal for nonprofit orgs to launch any kind of campaign against him, personally - they can only deal with "issues". This makes it much more difficult for liberal orgs to attack him. The tweeters were asking "How can Trump do this?" "It can't be legal!" and other such shit. But no one asked why anyone hasn't done it before. This move may hobble criticism of Trump, and if so, it is a very astute move on his part. What these liberal tweeters are actually bitching about is how stupid they and their party is and have always been. Now THAT is funny!
    It was astute of Team Trump, but only cause they got the liberals figured out. While the liberals, because of their absolute allegiance to capitalism, cannot attack him on issues with which they share a basic commonality despite some superficial difference, so all they got is the personal. If that is indeed the way it works out seems to me that a party, movement, or something fer chris'sake that is not encumbered by a hard-on for capitalism & imperialism might indeed become a vanguard, attacking on basis of policy and bringing it all together, as it were. Could be.....
    "We say to the workers: 'You will have to go through fifteen, twenty, fifty years of civil wars and international wars, not only in order to change existing conditions, but also in order to change yourselves and fit yourselves for the exercise of political power."'

    MARX (On the Communist Trial at Cologne, 1851).

  11. #71
    Fuck Walt Disney

    "We say to the workers: 'You will have to go through fifteen, twenty, fifty years of civil wars and international wars, not only in order to change existing conditions, but also in order to change yourselves and fit yourselves for the exercise of political power."'

    MARX (On the Communist Trial at Cologne, 1851).

  12. #72
    anything but communism...

    "We say to the workers: 'You will have to go through fifteen, twenty, fifty years of civil wars and international wars, not only in order to change existing conditions, but also in order to change yourselves and fit yourselves for the exercise of political power."'

    MARX (On the Communist Trial at Cologne, 1851).

  13. #73
    Make your own moderate liberal phrase



    This actually works quite well, anything generated will make perfect sense to a liberal, but not anyone else.
    "We say to the workers: 'You will have to go through fifteen, twenty, fifty years of civil wars and international wars, not only in order to change existing conditions, but also in order to change yourselves and fit yourselves for the exercise of political power."'

    MARX (On the Communist Trial at Cologne, 1851).

  14. #74
    Trots Secretly Reading Worker’s Spatula
    ON MARCH 19, 2017 BY WORKER'S SPATULAIN ISO (US), SEP, SOCIALIST ALTERNATIVE (US), SOLIDARITY (US), US



    AUSTIN, TEXAS – Following over a year of publicly referring to Worker’s Spatula as “the worst”, “diet Assadism”, “tankie nonsense”, and “Stalinist idiocy”, several “in the know” sources have confirmed that the Trotskyists secretly can’t stop reading Worker’s Spatula.

    “The other night I woke up and realised I was in bed alone,” one source told us, in lurid detail: “I went into the living room and saw my partner was awake and staring intently at his laptop screen. He slammed it shut when he saw me, so of course I assumed it was pornography.

    “While he was in the bathroom, I entered his password, which I guessed was the same as his e-mail password: P3rm4n3nt. He hadn’t even had time to close the incognito window, which was full of Worker’s Spatula tabs. I had to close the lid before he came out, so I couldn’t tell you what the pieces were, but at least one of them was about ˇi˛ek.”

    Local Austin Socialist Alternative cadre have likewise been spotted checking the Worker’s Spatula reading list since the start of 2017. Mere hours after the latest reading list assignment was posted, suddenly all the younger cadre were reportedly discussing the importance of Hegel’s stance on the French Revolution, having previously been unconcerned with Hegel or the French Revolution.

    One ISO affiliate met with us on condition of anonymity. We can reveal that she had with her a Barnes & Noble bag which contained the Foundations of Leninism.

    “You’re not the sort of Stalinists I expect, I’ll give you that. Sometimes you make fairly good points and force me to rethink some of my positions, instead of just appealing to a caricatured anti-imperialism combined with an overly defensive posture about so-called ‘socialist states’. I am a little concerned that you keep joking about murdering Trots, but that is just a joke, right?”

    Our ISO source ascribed the lack of reports of SEP and Solidarity affiliated Trotskyists reading the Spatula to Solidarity having “no sense of humour about themselves” and the SEP having “no sense of humour at all”.

    A similar investigation was planned to determine the extent to which the “China is still socialist” crowd read the Spatula, but it was called off upon being unable to find any representatives who could confirm reading anything longer than 140 characters.

    https://workersspatula.wordpress.com...rkers-spatula/
    "We say to the workers: 'You will have to go through fifteen, twenty, fifty years of civil wars and international wars, not only in order to change existing conditions, but also in order to change yourselves and fit yourselves for the exercise of political power."'

    MARX (On the Communist Trial at Cologne, 1851).

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